I have been lying to my wife. I promised her I would stop smoking. I did just that over the weekend. But this morning I decided I was going to smoke again to enjoy that nice little nicotine hit one gets after quitting for a few days. It’s a nice buzz once you know how to handle it.

However, today, I didn’t get much pleasure out of it. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I was lying by not really having quit.

Quitting is easy. Really, it is. You just have to want to quit more than you want to smoke. Bottom line. My head (i.e., me) gives me reasons why I shouldn’t quit:

1. That first one in the morning is so pleasurable, especially over a good espresso sitting out in the cafe across the street from the station.
2. It’s a good way to stop and think about the activities going on around you.
3. It’s only one, it’s not going to hurt you.
4. She won’t know anyway.
5. It’s a good way to kill time whilst waiting around for the train, or the ferry.
6. It gets me away from the desk every hour or so.
7. I get to socialise with people. Smokers are a sociable bunch, and ever since I started smoking again, I got to know a lot about the goings-on at work which I may not have known before.
8. I enjoy(ed) it.
9. There is a naughty little giddiness one gets from doing the forbidden.
10. It helps me keep my weight down (I’ve lost about 15 pounds since I started up again after a break of 8 years.)
11. When I go without smoking for a few hours, I become a grumpy git. (Some people say they can’t tell the difference, but they would be amazed at the restraint I show.)

But now, that’s it. And I’m writing this to make sure it stays out there. It’s really easy to reason against your head, another thing entirely to reason against something one has written. So here go my reasons for wanting to quit:

1. The wife wants me to.
2. It is smelly.
3. It is bad for me.
4. I don’t have to try to hide the smell on my person or my breath.
5. I can do other things with my time whilst I’m waiting.
6. We have another child on the way, and at my age, I have to be in top shape to deal with having a child.
7. I don’t want to end up like that guy who hangs out there in the smoking area who can’t walk 20 yards without having to stop to catch his breath.
8. I can’t exercise as much or as well as I could to get in shape for the imminent arrival. I can get in shape by controlling my diet and get a little
9. I am ingesting chemicals which are definitely not good for me. The last puff I had before throwing the pack of cigarettes away, I gagged. Doing something that makes you gag is not good for you.
10. It’s just too much effort
11. Cigarettes taste like crap.
12. It is expensive.
13. You have to excuse yourself from groups of non-smokers to go outside for a fag.
14. Smokers, as sociable as they are, tend to be cynical in attitude. There aren’t that many happy-go-lucky people out in the smoking area.
15. I don’t want my daughter to catch me.
16. I hate lying to my wife. It feels bad.

When I last quit smoking I rewarded myself by paying for martial arts lessons. This time around, I don’t think I have that option, given my schedule. But I can figure out other things to occupy my time.

For instance, I’ve been reading less in the down times, and smoking more. Yes, you can smoke and read at the same time, but when you are trying to hide the smell and avoid getting smoke on you, then reading becomes a bit of a chore.

I also need to get into proper meditation. That’s hard to do when I’m smoking.

I can also write more in some of that time I save.

So, to my wife, my one true love, the reason I get up in the morning: I am terribly sorry. Today is the last day I will smoke. I know I said that on Friday, and I did make it through the weekend, but I swear this is it.