I turned 49 a couple of weeks ago. In the lead-up to my birthday, I went through my normal, almost unconscious annual navel-gazing process which has varied little over the past few years.
I moped a bit. I compared my potential to my accomplishments (massive gap). I reviewed my friendships (few, far-between, and practically non-existent). I looked at what I am doing for work (I get paid very well for doing something I hate in a sector I loathe – with a 1.5 hour commute on both sides of the day). I looked at how much I was drinking (quite a bit). I looked at my weight (I could lose about 20 pounds). I looked at my intellectual and creative output (none in recent years).
In fact, the only significant accomplishment/activity I can point to in recent times is being the breadwinner for my family. Which is no mean feat, given my once complete lack of responsibility and discipline in my life up until I was 30.
I have been feeling a lot like an automaton lately and a change is required.
I decided to at least give my body a Jubilee Year: For the next year, rather than going full-on paleo (which I have done at various times with good results but hard to maintain), I’ve decided to make it a bit simpler: no alcohol, no bread, and no sweets. (I will make an exception on Christmas Day, though.)
I’ve already lost about 7 pounds.
I’m also going to try to get adequate sleep. That has been difficult, however, given my commuting schedule and the things I like to do as part of my morning routine before I leave. And it would be difficult to shift some of these things to the commute, as Wim Hof Method breathing, for instance, tends to annoy or alarm other people when practiced in their vicinity.
One thing I have been doing over the past couple of years is listening voraciously to podcasts. As a result of some of this influence, I have become extremely aware of the gaps in my education.
For instance, although I am aware of much of the work that is considered part of the Western canon, I haven’t read enough of it. So…
I shall begin embarking on the Great Books reading list.
Additionally, I suspect part of my current malaise is spiritual. I haven’t been back to church since a certain situation around sex education at my oldest child’s Church of England school several years ago.
Truth is, I think there is something rotten in Anglicanism. And one of the reasons I went for CofE rather than evangelical Protestantism is that I like the idea of a tradition. Unfortunately, the modern CofE does not. I thought I was joining the church of CS Lewis, but instead got the Church of What’s Happening Now, with a whole lot of evangelical Love Songs for Jesus thrown in.
So I considered the RCs. But then look at the current Pope. Need I say more?
That leaves Orthodoxy, which has always been fascinating to me. I like tradition, I like liturgy, I like all the incense (all the things I thought I would get with the CofE). Orthodoxy seems to be the only place those sorts of things are surviving.
So I’m going to check out some of the writings and apologetics for Orthodoxy. Not sure if I will go to a church, but I need something Christian in my life, even if it is just a return to daily Bible reading.
Which brings me around to a third thing that keeps popping up for me. I have always loved alternate histories and conspiracy literature. There is a lot of truth in them. But I’ve managed to keep a lot of that stuff in the background as I haven’t really had time to follow it up. (I used to practically live on alt.conspiracy on Usenet.)
One just has to look at the way Brexit has been handled by the Establishment to realise that there really are a few factions vying for control of us all, especially our minds. Whether it is conspiracy, or just the way power exerts itself, I don’t know.
This may seem rather bold (or crazy), but I am now convinced that what is being played out on the world stage is a battle amongst various Luciferian/Satanist factions, and a battle between these factions and normal everyday people for control of our minds. Whether they are being driven by an active evil force or not, I am now convinced that the people at the top believe in it regardless of whether or not we do.
Yep, I suppose that sounds kind of crazy. But we are moving toward dystopia (we are already there). And the people at the top want it that way.
So, alongside my study of Western Civ and Orthodox Christianity, I shall be looking into the conspiracy/alternative history literature. And shall be seeking to free my mind a bit.
So amongst all this, I think I shall be writing a bit more, and who knows…I’ve been wanting to start up a podcast: maybe I’ll find a way to combine these various things into one long mad rant.